Grace in the Midst of Life's Storms

First years I had no idea that I was made in the image of God. I didn’t even know what image meant other than the shallow thoughts and vain imaginations. Including what others told me, media and music influences. The condemnation, shame, and guilt screamed louder than anything else. On top of addictions of all kinds. Who was I? Where did I come from? Why was I born? Why did someone who loves me hurt me? These questions I wrestled with for years. From childhood abuse to adulthood. I never could figure out who I was. I was confused. I was broken. I was destitute. I was lost.

My first introduction to same sex attraction was in elementary school. I had a best friend and well we liked it each other. We experimented and I thought the feelings and emotions associated with it were okay and normal. I didn’t tell anyone though. I kept it a secret that ended up turning into something greater the older I got. I did not understand love because love had been so grossly manipulated and twisted. So I was taught to love in sexual ways that as a child I didn’t understand.

Thus my story would continue. It is not easy to be vulnerable about a part of your life that you didn’t fully understand. What you thought was normal, in fact wasn’t. What you thought was just a part of life, in fact wasn’t. I spent many years going down the endless rabbit hole in same sex relationships, being bi-sexual at the time. Even in my former marriage because it was what he wanted and I grew not to care because it was already instilled inside of me that “normal” was perverted love. It fully grew into wanting to marry a woman whom I met while engaging in survival prostitution after being trafficked. I always thought she loved me too, but I was nothing more than a white girl and a supplier of money for dope and alcohol. I was manipulated, coerced, and groomed. While I lived under the weight of being bought and sold, to turning around and taking what I learned and using it to survive… I fell in love with a fantasy that wasn’t real…even if what I felt was.

It wasn’t until I had to answer this question after giving my life to Jesus and starting the journey of healing: if a man was on one side of Jesus and a woman on the other side, which would you choose? At the time I couldn’t answer it because I was so confused. I was hurt. I was scared. I thought that if I didn’t choose right I would be condemned. I struggled to answer this question and it broke me inside.

After 34 years of believing that I could love both (and after doing so)…I had a very real decision to make. I immersed myself in the Word of God and quite frankly became more confused at first. How could I love both and God at the same time? How could I want to be in a relationship with the same sex and experience the fullness of what God was telling me was my inheritance? Why? How? It didn’t make sense. No one was helping me to understand either. Every time I left the service of my former church, I felt dirty, sin stained, and like I didn’t matter that much to God because He was waiting to turn His back on me as soon as I slipped up. God’s love wasn’t taught to me. It was condemnation and not conviction. I eventually left that church and went somewhere that openly allowed me to come as I was so that I could be immersed in God’s love. It changed me. I was starting to feel like I belonged somewhere. Like I was safe to go to the altar. I was safe to be in the presence of God because He loved me.

Then I experienced the tangible touch of God during a church service and I was healed and delivered of homosexuality (and so much more). I realized that night that God was listening to me wrestle with the questions and the Scriptures for an understanding. I realized for the first time in my life that God was not pushing me away because of my experiences, He was drawing me close in His redemptive love.

It didn’t make my experiences any less real. Quite the contrary. It opened my eyes to the truth of my experiences. All the lies and manipulation of the enemy. I became more aware of the deception which allowed me to see where the confusion came from. It took time for my eyes to be opened to truth. It took a longing deep within me to materialize to something tangible.

I would never say this process of laying down all the crap that came with living as two parts, separate, distorted, and disengaged was easy. It was hard. It took hard work. I had to shut out the world and the lies pouring from it in order to get to the place I am today. I had to do the grueling tasks of looking at me…who I had become, what I had allowed, what I had been taught, what I had done…and truly lay it before Jesus so the truth could burst forth. I am created to be a woman and love a man.

If you believe that you will always be one way and that is just the way you are (like lesbian, bi-sexual, trans, pansexual, addict, etc.)…it’s not the truth. The truth is that you were not created that way and neither was I. We. You and Me. We were created fearfully and wonderfully. We were not created to walk in darkness and confusion. Our identities are not dual or warped when we are created. We are not created in confusion and misgendered. We are not created out of lies and deceit.

It was love that spoke us into existence. It was love that formed us in our mother’s wombs. It was love that made our hearts beat for the first time. It was love that called us forth to walk in destiny. It was love that named us. It was love that showed mercy on us. It was love that gave life to us. It was love that made sure we had a way to salvation. It was love that went to the cross and died. It was love that rose again on the 3rd day. It was love and continues to remain love.

“The purest form of love climbed on a tree and shed His blood for thee. The purest form of love reaches a hand from heaven and touches thee. The purest form of love walks into hell and walks back out with thee in His arms. The purest form of love runs healing waters over thy head and cleanses thee. The purest form of love sits down beside thee and wraps His arms around thy shoulders. The purest form of love, takes thee by the hand and leads thee beside still waters. The purest form of love wrote thy name on His hand for all eternity. The purest form of love is…Jesus.” Faythe Kadona

Take a moment to ask yourself what you really know about love. What does it really mean to you? Unadulterated. Unhinged. Unhindered. Unbound. Unbroken. Unimaginable. Unshakeable. Unstoppable. What is it?

When you struggle answering this question. Pause. Ask yourself why? What holds you back from knowing this kinda love? Why is it so different from the world’s and what you have grown up knowing? Why does your heart stir in a different way when you long for a pure love?

It’s because you were created for a love that is holy and pure. Just like I was. It’s a love that longs to be learned. A love that will heal you from confusion and pain. It’s a love that chases you and brings you back in while restoring you from weariness and the heavy burdens of life. It is a covenantal love that cannot be broken.

I encourage you to find yourself immersed in the love of Jesus. It won’t look like others nor will it look like the world’s. It will be so radically different that it won’t make sense at first. You will have to lay down the burdens, guilt, shame and pride. They can no longer be your masters when you get this kinda love. This love is jealous for you. It’s purer than anything you have ever known. Once you know this love…you will never go back. Love is…Jesus.

I leave you with this. I said before that God never told me that my experiences weren’t real. Love had been so perverted for me, to me, and with me…that my heart had shut down anything else. When I was delivered, I started the heart surgery process and I would not trade it now. I would not undo anything in my life because it all led me to my sweet Jesus. I am grateful for the mess.

I pray you find truth in your life and come to the place where that longing which is deep inside you, bursts forth to spring new life for you. You don’t have to continue down a path of confusion. You don’t have to wave a banner that is manipulative and false. You don’t have to identify with the world. You can shut it all out and discover who you are in Jesus.

From the pimp to the prostitute. From the buyer to the dealer. From the trans to the gay. From the prison to the gutter. No matter who you are, who you think you are, where you live, where you work, where you play…there is a God in Heaven who sees you, loves you, and wants you to know that His heart is for you…when you are ready to let go of what ya know and surrender it all to Jesus.

Love, Faythe 🌈💛🧡❤️💜💙💚